Change

So I  have a love-hate relationship with change.

Part of me (the part that is like most of us humans) hates the idea of things changing.  I like status quo, comfort, knowing what to expect, routine, schedule, "normal." 

Then there is another part of me that loves change.  The part that loves adventure, travel, new experiences, jumping into "the great unknown." 

Both are very much a part of me.  When I look back on my life, really, the times I am most proud of  myself are those brave moments when I did what wasn't "safe" or "expected"....like trying out for things in school, or moving 10 hours away from home to go to college, saying good-bye to a dating relationship that was comfortable but not "right", taking on graduate school at age 21, living in my own apartment (& paying all my own bills), changing jobs, giving parenting talks to groups of parents when I wasn't even married yet (true story), going on missions trips (especially that one where I didn't know a soul & had to travel to meet up with my team in Texas by myself)....then having children was a big brave jump.  One that I always wanted and will never regret, but truly - while getting married was a change, it has nothing on the change that parenthood brought about in my life, and in me. 

The last 10 or so years of my life have really been all about my children.  They were babies, toddlers, preschoolers, and they needed me.  They needed me to feed them, clothe them, brush their teeth, wipe their bottoms, take them places, kiss their boo-boos, dry their tears, hug them tight, read them books, teach them manners....the list could go on forever. 

Things are starting to change though.  I know my children will always need me.  Yes, just like I still need my own mom.

But over the past few months?  Well, it's changing.

There's that word again.

You see, all 3 of them go to school now - 5th grade, 2nd grade, kindergarten.  Next year- all 3 will be gone, all day long. {Eek, one will even be in middle school!}  It seems like I have been looking forward to "the day I will have time to myself" for a long time. I am getting a little taste of it this year as Chloe is in kindergarten. 

And now, believe it or not, I am not sure how I feel about it. I am finding it to be bittersweet. And maybe even a little lonely and boring.

On the one hand, I love being able to go to the Y and exercise.  I love shopping in peace. I love that I can tidy my house and it will stay that way for about 6 hours.  I can watch DVR'd shows if I want to.

The problem is this: I almost don't know what to do with myself.  And I can't believe I am even writing that. 

A lot (okay, most) of my friends still have small children.  So galavanting about the mall and lunches out with friends just isn't gonna happen (well, not in a relaxing way that doesn't involve kid meals & play areas). :) And galavanting around the mall alone just isn't quite the same.  I thought I would do all those "house projects" I've been putting off for 10 years....but I am realizing I don't even really love house projects. I find them overwhelming and I don't even know where to start.  I truthfully feel like I am not being very productive, and it leaves me feeling uck-y.

So I am praying about what this next stage of my life holds.  Do I continue to be a stay at home Mom?  Because there are still certainly plenty of things & tasks for me to do at home, and I like being able to be a part of my kids' schools and such.  I can have a lot of my "chores" done when the kids are at school so that when they are home I can spend time with them. I really enjoy leading a Bible study.  I have the freedom to help people when they need it.  And maybe (even if I don't love them) I should work on some house projects.

Or, do I begin working outside the home again?  Part of me misses this part of my life and identity.  I could do something fulfilling and make some extra money for our family as well.   There are times this sounds very appealing to me....

But....I don't know.

So, I am doing what I DO know right now. I am praying, listening, & waiting for what God has for me in the coming years. I know He has a plan. I know He has a good plan. And meanwhile?  I am putting one foot in front of the other and doing what He has for me today.

Even if that is dishes, laundry, & making dinner. :)